I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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