I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
