so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
