Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
so much tequila, so little girl.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
