Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
