im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
