Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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