My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
