just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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