I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
