I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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