she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it was like having sex with a tree stump
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
