guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
