anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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