i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
