have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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