Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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