thus making me awesome and them whores
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
