Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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