mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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