Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
