Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
