I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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