I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
