Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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