Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
