a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
