I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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