So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
false alarm, still single
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