I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize