All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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