My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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