chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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