3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
