Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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