Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
