You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
