I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
