im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
