I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
