Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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