You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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