oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
