Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
