I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
