I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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