Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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