i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
