The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
