I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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