Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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