Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I smell like Dick and happiness
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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