Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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