i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
