Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
