My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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