Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
