Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
