david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
This beer is not sobering me up at all
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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