Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
