she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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