my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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