my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
