I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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