hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
